Inflatable Guinea Pigs

“I would like to know how in all my 50 years, guinea pigs alone stand unravaged by inflation.”

Public houses are becoming increasingly strange places. I had just been approached by a seedy-looking cove who introduced himself as David Smith (likely story) and offered to pay me for my exhaled gas. I gave him a quizzical eyebrow while he elaborated; hugely complicated schemes of client-specific introductions, carbon sharing, gathering tubes and mobile storage facilities. I was still unclear where the money would be coming from, when he mentioned the word ‘investment’. He was reeling from the knuckle-tapping to his forehead I used to drive my repost home, when the above enquiry wafted through the fug from the deeper recesses of the squitter bar.

I diverted my attention to this knotty confluence of imponderables. Orville Quantock arrived, swiftly staking a claim to his customary length of bar top by the deft manoeuvrability of his right elbow at the unfortunate Mr Smith’s expense. Mr Smith was a man certainly unravaged by inflation.

Orville was immediately interested. “Is the period of 50 years significant? Is such a period only measured by reference to the questioner? Aren’t guinea pigs quite social creatures? By what criteria is a guinea pig ravaged? Are there any circumstances in which they become inflatable? Were there any other known instances amongst other creatures of unravagement by inflation?”

These were words of reason, I felt. Parameters had been left sadly askew by the originator of the query. We were on the cusp of abandonment of the search for meaning. Beside us, Mr Smith leant across the bar and asked for a vodka and tomato juice and wide-bore straw.

“Perhaps they deflate so rapidly that it is impossible to detect whether inflation has occurred, such effect being triggered by a sixth sense that reacts to observation, but in the millisecond before the observer is aware.”

“Not bad, I’ll allow, but I can’t help feeling suspicious (Mr Smith shifted uneasily) when milliseconds and undetectable effects are brought into play. You’ll instantly lose your scientific rigour if you follow that route.”

Orville studied his pint, then glanced at Mr Smith’s dull red concoction. “Straws! That’s it! Guinea pigs pathologically back away from straws. Well known, that is.”