Billy Button's Back Story

Are the truly doomed afflicted with an inescapable foreboding from birth? Is it a genetic imperative, or a self-fulfilling prophesy? In retrospect, I suspect that Billy wrestled with these notions throughout his formative years, so that by the time he was ready to launch himself upon the world, he took with him an impediment that could only possibly have been removed by vast forces independent of and beyond his control.

This is not to say that he did not have moments when a shaft of light might appear, when perhaps he was able to sense the illusory nature of his perceptions. Sometimes such an episode was sufficient to fuel a surge of enthusiasm. I believe it was in just such a lather of excitement that he approached me with the proposal that Turn Up would benefit from a Dick department. I confess that my initial reaction was to remain silent, a silence that was hidden behind my question, “what do you mean?”

“I see it as a natural home for Richards,” came the reply.

Well, I reasoned, we didn’t get where we are today by turning our back on the adventurous. I offered the man terms on the strength of his audacity.

“I will provide a ceremonial launch, and if you can find and establish your office, you’re on.” I waved my arm vaguely in the direction of the green labyrinth, where dim corridors snake off into the miasmic archaeology of the East Tower.

We searched for a suitable celebrity for our event. Cliff was attending to his seagull, and Keith had fallen from a coconut tree. I couldn’t see that that should have been a problem as he was only required to sit there. In the end And Judy was able to favour us with his undoubted charm on the proviso that we gave the event no publicity while allowing him to drain the colour from our corporate wallet.

All went as planned, but the shadows were forming around Billy’s eye sockets even as he set off to search for a departmental office. I even tried to dissuade him at the eleventh hour, but to no avail. He was off to a new life with all the enthusiasm of a scalded sloth.